Expectations for behavior are defined by our culture, by society and the environment in which we are in.  We have different expectations for behavior in the library or church than we do for the playground. We want to guide young children to behave in a defined way as appropriate to the situation.

There are some behaviors we’d like to see in any environment such as manners (yet even the definition of manners can vary widely). What happens when we wish to eliminate a behavior?

First, ask yourself what is my child doing and why? What needs is he/she trying to meet? Then think, is this behavior unacceptable? Is it important to stop? Also consider, is the behavior age appropriate?

If yes, then reflect, can I adjust?

If you cannot adjust, focus on the behavior and its effect on others not on the child (person).  “Yelling is loud and hurts my ears”.  Refrain from saying “YOU are (pick one)___________ “loud”, “bad”, or “naughty”.

Make observations that you can see and or hear without making a judgement. “Wow that is loud.”

Do not wait to respond. Ten minutes after an incident is too long for a young child to process the feedback you are providing. Allow the child time to process what you are saying, this could take a few minutes.

Give information and not advice. Communicate clearly why the behavior need to stop. Allow the child to come up with solutions for themselves. The ultimate goal is self-regulation. You may offer to help by brainstorming. “Yelling is loud inside, is there another place we can yell that might not cause your friends to cover their ears?”

Lastly, be flexible and make all solutions appealing when possible. “Can we yell into the trashcan?”  I would personally prefer waiting to yell until we go outside. Occasionally, I have to be flexible in accommodating an immediate solution so we yell into the trashcan!